And who knows how the bearer of that hug feels. Are they following some social protocol? Were they raised that it was expected. In my family, a very large family, there are many different types of huggers. I have one family member who literally approaches me with her arms out and almost completely bent over at the waist to hug me so that her head actually ends up resting below my chin. The hug is so comical that I have to hold back laughter as they approach. I'd never want to laugh as I love them dearly and wouldn't want to offend them. Another family member stands as stiff as a board, no giving into the hug at all, then pats you patronizingly on the back during it. That one I want to tickle or do something to get them to just relax. If you are going to put me through a hug the least you can go is give a little during delivery. And then there are people, like my late big brother, who give you it all when they hug you as their hugs are so genuine and whole hearted that they encompass you. There is no doubt that they are glad to see you. If I have to be hugged as part of a greeting, let it be a genuine hug like that.
For a very long time now I have done what I could to avoid hugs completely. Recently I have come to view hugs in a whole new light. Those uncomfortable little displays of affection, real or contrived, had a bigger purpose than I'd ever imagined. They, I have learned, are a sharing of strength and support.
On June 23rd of this year my oldest daughter, Misty, went home to heaven. It was unexpected although she had been dealing with health issues since childhood. Of course I was devastated and, like many people who have lost loved ones, found myself on auto pilot and just trying to get through those first few days after as the celebration of her life ceremony was planned and enacted, holding it together the best I could. I was an emotional wreck and would often slip off to the privacy of my room to just fall apart in private. Then I'd pull it back together and go out and continue on. The biggest problem I had during that time was trying to avoid hugs. Every time someone would hug me or I'd recognize that they were coming in for a hug I'd get emotional. It didn't matter how well I was holding together in those seconds before that hug, the hug itself would shatter me. Hug were my enemy... or were they?
Eventually, to my surprise, I found myself looking forward to those hugs. Yeah... me... enjoying hugs? Wow! I had begun to realize that when someone hugged me it was like a moment where their strength would support me so that it was ok to be weak... to cry... to, for that moment, fall apart. And when the hug ended so did the moment. The death of a loved one is a very hard thing to experience and I am so glad I had every one of those hugs. Who knew.
Yesterday I went to the funeral of my friend's husband. They had been together since they were teens and their marriage was that of two best friends. My heart broke for her and the pain of her loss. After the service I went over to her and gave her a big hug, one worthy of my big brother. I knew, when she didn't let go right away, when she lingered on for that little bit longer than a hug usually lasts, as I felt her body convulse with tears from her broken heart, that I was giving my good friend a real hug, a bit of my strength so that she could let go for that moment and grieve. And then I cried too.
No, this doesn't change how uncomfortable I am when someone I don't know, an acquaintence or an enemy, comes in for a hug. It does, however, let me know that there is a time where hugs are a good thing, even if it isn't family. Doesn't have to be death or tragedy. It just has to be real. The next time I see my friend I will hug her so that she knows I am here for her. Will I hug someone I don't know... yes, with the same discomfort as ever. I will continue to try to avoid those hugs. They are not real hugs at all. Real hugs convey a message of support and a convergence of strength.
So what's in a hug? Or should the question be, "What's in a real hug?" Your strength that you are giving to others if and when they are in need. A real hug comes with the person giving it and all that they have to willing offer you if you need it.
Have you hugged your friend today? :o)*
