Luke's Bloopers 5

This one is not so much a Blooper as just Luke watching out my bedroom window with his camera trying to capture the wind. As always, that's not all he captures. Enjoy!

Luke's Bloopers 4

This was our first winter up here in North Carolina. It was a big deal to see the "snow." Luke was trying to get to his favorite climbing tree and having a bit of difficulty. Enjoy!

Luke's Bloopers 3

In this video Luke is at the Ocala National Forrest. We were doing a volunteer clean up day and Luke was... just being Luke. :o) Enjoy!

Luke's Bloopers 2

Luke's Bloopers 2. This one is Luke video taping himself again. This time he is trying to capture how high he is actually going on the swing. Enjoy!

My wonderful son, Luke, and his zany moments (aka Luke's Bloopers)

I am going to post my Luke's Bloopers video's here for all to see. I never need to watch AFV because if we aren't catching them on our camera, Luke is. The first one I am going to post is one of Luke's videos he made.  In case you are volume impaired the dialog is about his sister and if she will make it home without crashing with the large bag she is carrying. Enjoy! Oh... and yes, that is a cactus. :o)*

Who's the cheapest doctor in town?

Right smack between the metropolis of Wilmington, NC and the golfing Mecca that is Myrtle Beach, SC you will find the small town of Shallotte, NC. In Shallotte is the one and only Walmart within a 25-mile radius. Most people hate it due to size, parking and the sheer number of people there at any given time. There isn't much choice of where to go especially if you are trying to find your lowest prices. I find myself there every Saturday for grocery shopping, not to mention a handful of times during the week for one reason or another. It's not a place where I want to linger any longer than I have to.  

One day, a few years back, as I began the drudgery of my weekly shopping, I was approached by a white-haired man in cover-alls. "Hey," he said with a grin on his face so big it revealed the few misaligned remaining teeth in his mouth, "You know the cheapest doctor in town?" I shook my head feeling a bit taken aback by his presence. He spoke as if we were friends; like we knew each other. "Dr. Pepper." From here began a whole slew of jokes from his wife, the great housekeeper who kept the house to the cashier who wouldn't give him two tens for a five. I found myself taking small steps back from him as he spoke, wanting to be free from this delay. He was a nice enough guy but I was on a mission to get my weekly shopping out of the way. 

From the first day he spoke to me I became aware of him. If I didn't see him walking the aisles in his cover-alls, then I'd hear him chiming out to a new captive, "Who's the cheapest doctor in town?" He seemed to be at the store every time I went. I found myself skipping the area he was in so I wouldn't be delayed again. He never kept anyone for more than a few minutes but a few minutes can feel like forever when you're on a mission to get in and out as quickly as possible from a store that very few really like. 

A few months later, while shopping, I was startled to hear him speak up behind me. 'Who's the cheapest doctor in town?" Dread filled me as I pondered how long this was going to take. 

I turned and said to him, "Dr. Pepper." I thought maybe this would deter him, remind him he'd talked to me before and send him on his way.

"Nope! Dr. Thunder," he grinned.

"True." What else could I say. The Walmart "Great Value" brand was indeed cheaper. So, I listened to a few more of his jokes and finally told him I really needed to get done.

Over two years later I was still avoiding what we began calling, "The Dr. Pepper man." I would still stumble over him a few times a year and feel obliged to at least listen to a few of his jokes but with such internal turmoil over the inconvenience. My least favorite became him coming up and asking me if the son I happened to have with me that day was my Dad. My departures from him began to boarder on rude and made me feel awful after the fact.

Then one day I realized I hadn't seen him in a few weeks. I wondered if he was still alive or if he'd moved away. I started wondering about his life. Thinking about him coming to Wal-Mart; if it was his way of socializing. Wondering what his purpose was? Was he just trying to spread some joy? Did he have any family? Was he just filling his day outside of a solitary existence? Of course, there were the darker thoughts... was he an alcoholic? Was he abusive and thus abandoned by his family? He never smelled of alcohol. He never seemed angry and I'm sure he was probably treated unkindly by quite a few who had no time for his apparent nonsense. I found myself pondering if I might find myself in a similar position one day. I remembered my Mother-in-law getting into long conversations with strangers when I would take her out and watching their tolerant faces. Would I, one day, be in the same boat? Maybe living alone, my kids all with lives of their own and me finding my only joy being going to Wal-Mart and striking up conversations with total strangers? But, by the grace of God...

I decided, then and there, I would forever more go to Wal-Mart with the attitude that I had time for this man. That I would no longer look at him as an inconvenience but an opportunity for me to be the person I'd like to run into if I found myself in a similar position. As a Christian, I knew it was what I should do. As a human being, I knew it was what I had to do. So I did. But was it enough. 

A year went by with many kind, but brief, encounters with the Dr. Pepper man. Then, a couple of weeks ago, I decided I wanted to get a picture of him. I wanted to post it on my Facebook account with the idea of generating random acts of kindness. A week ago, I was in a situation where I was able to ask to have my picture with him. I could tell by the look on his face that he was confused by this gesture yet he still jumped in and gave me a great smile. After the fact, I became unsure just exactly what to say so I began putting off posting it. 

Strangely enough, I awoke early today thinking of him; realizing I didn't even know his name. I laid there with visual images of the article I would write. The blog entry I would create and how I could share my thoughts and what I had learned there. I decided that I would seek out more information from him. I felt compelled to do that and to write this blog entry. At breakfast, I mentioned it to my husband who became concerned that my interest might be misconstrued and result in unwanted attention. I argued that I only wanted to know his name and where he was from: general information. That I wouldn't go with my original idea to treat him to a Subway sandwich to have time to talk and would only ask for brief information, but my husband didn't budge. I had no idea how I would ever learn more about him to be able to write anything. All I could think about was how strongly I felt compelled to write about him.

Later this same morning I ended up at Wal-Mart. My kids had gift cards they wanted to use. So there I was in the dreaded Wal-Mart for them to shop. I decided I would shop too for the sales going on. They finished earlier than I did so I told them I'd meet them at the Subway when I was done. After a bit one of my sons came up and told me about some really funny man who was telling them jokes in the Subway. He'd never met the Dr Pepper man before so I showed him the picture on my phone and asked if that was him. It was, so I asked him that if he saw him again to do me a favor and ask what his name was. After he walked away I thought of all the other questions I'd like to ask. I shrugged it off and finished my shopping. I figured the guy would be long gone by the time my son returned anyway and my blog post didn't have a deadline.

After shopping we all went out and got into the van. Once inside I told the kids about how I was hoping to learn more about the Dr. Pepper man but would have to wait. My son suddenly piped up and said, "I know his name." As it turns out they not only had learned his name, Jerry, but they also found out he was 78 and had lived in North Carolina all his life and was born in Wilmington. Of course, they questioned why he wore a mechanics uniform (the cover-alls) and if he was homeless. New questions at every turn. Answers we may never know. But the most important thing I learned in all of this is a lesson I learned as a child and always seem to find new ways to relearn. Treat people the way you want to be treated. And if that doesn't work for you then think of it this way... If this was your father, your mother, your son, your daughter, your brother, your sister or whatever person means the most to you in this world, how would you want people to treat them? How would you want them to respond to them if they walked up and said, with a smile, "Who's the cheapest doctor in town?

                              

Words...

Words... The right words. It's one thing I'm always in search of... the right words. As the Mom to 13 I am always considering my words. I tell my kids, young and older, that they should think before they speak and consider always what good their words will do before they speak them. If they won't do good then keep them to themselves. In a perfect world we might all do that, right?

Words can save you in a bind. Words can come back to haunt you. They can lift you up and they can slam you down. They can create moods, good and bad. They can build mountains and crumble them just the same. They can express love and hate with equal acuity. They can bridge gaps and burn bridges. There is nothing words can't do. Encourage. Discourage. Build. Break. Soothe. Rile up. The list could go on and on.

The best thing, and in some cases the worst, words can bring back the dead. Whether people you loved or ghosts of things best forgotten. Words are a powerful tool. It's so easy to be careless with them. Two words I hate... "Just sayin'" And five more just as bad... "It is what it is." Oh to live in a word without rude comments swished away by "Just saying." Or a persons hope dashed with "It is what it is," as if nothing can change it. Words...

Words... I want to use them to inspire and lift people up. I want to use them to bring back the good memories of those that have gone before me to share with those that never got to know them. I strive to encourage with my word. To break the negative cycle that it seems the world has fallen in to. I teach my children there are bad words, unkind words, crude words and careless words. All should be avoided. Mom has a choice few that are just crude words that are referred to as things like, "The other F word," or, "The other S word."

Words... If only we could all find the right ones...

One day you will have a child just like you...

My youngest daughter is named Margie. She is my mother's curse and I didn't know that when I gave her my Mother's name. But she is me all over again. Talk without thinking, thinks things outside herself make her bigger, better, more special, smart, etc. Constantly upsetting her brothers and sisters and anyone else close enough to hear the words that are coming out of her mouth. Like telling someone how to do something that they have been doing forever and she hasn't done once. Oh yeah... this one is me through and through. And my mother's curse because you know how Mom's always say one day you are going to have a kid just like you and then you'll see. LOL Well, anyway, Margie's biggest thing is she will not engage her brain before she speaks or acts. So today we went to the beach and when we got home Margie took her sister, Katie's, robe and left her with nothing to put over herself so she had to stand around in a wet suit while her robe laid on the floor of the bathroom while Margie showered. So I got on to Margie about this and not using her brain to consider others. Reassuring her that I was upset with her because she had a great brain and was very smart when she utilized it. And suddenly I had an epiphany. The perfect way to get her to see what I was talking about. I told her to imagine going outside and having a big yard of sandspurs to walk across. At the edge of the concrete leading to the yard is a pair of sandals to put on. The sandals are there to help her get across with the least stress and pain. It's up to her to use them or not. I told her, "This is just like your brain. God gave you a brain to help you get through life with the least stress and pain. But it's up to you to use it or not." Of course the lesson was clear, but we are talking mini-me so who knows if that will sink in or not. I can remember my siblings and parents trying over and over to give me instructions on what I did, thinking before I spoke and so forth and I still didn't get it. I am trying to get through to Margie so she doesn't have to go through what I did in life. The only good thing about it all... is I know that even if I don't she will still be ok in the end just like me. :o)*

What's in a Real Hug?

My daughter, Misty, hugging her son Jake.

 

What's in a hug? Big question. Seems simple when talking about your significant other or your children. But when it comes to the world at large what's in a hug. More importantly what's in a "real" hug? I grew up hating hugs. I just found them very uncomfortable. Head to the right? Head to the left? Full body? Shoulders only? Cheeks only? Rub back? Pat back? Squeeze? How much squeeze? It was all just too complicated and made me very uncomfortable. Part of that was eventually realizing that I was getting hugs from people I knew didn't like me or outright couldn't stand me (ex-in-laws) or didn't know me (strangers). I would be introduced by a friend to her friend and they would want to hug, approaching without invitation. I would internally feel myself brace for it as I watch their friend begin the approach, tucking that shoulder just slightly, watching for the direction their head was going to tilt, if they leaned forward or what. Very stressful and I was always so glad when it was over. I would outright avoid hugs!

And who knows how the bearer of that hug feels. Are they following some social protocol? Were they raised that it was expected. In my family, a very large family, there are many different types of huggers. I have one family member who literally approaches me with her arms out and almost completely bent over at the waist to hug me so that her head actually ends up resting below my chin. The hug is so comical that I have to hold back laughter as they approach. I'd never want to laugh as I love them dearly and wouldn't want to offend them. Another family member stands as stiff as a board, no giving into the hug at all, then pats you patronizingly on the back during it. That one I want to tickle or do something to get them to just relax. If you are going to put me through a hug the least you can go is give a little during delivery. And then there are people, like my late big brother, who give you it all when they hug you as their hugs are so genuine and whole hearted that they encompass you. There is no doubt that they are glad to see you. If I have to be hugged as part of a greeting, let it be a genuine hug like that.

For a very long time now I have done what I could to avoid hugs completely. Recently I have come to view hugs in a whole new light. Those uncomfortable little displays of affection, real or contrived, had a bigger purpose than I'd ever imagined. They, I have learned, are a sharing of strength and support.

On June 23rd of this year my oldest daughter, Misty, went home to heaven. It was unexpected although she had been dealing with health issues since childhood. Of course I was devastated and, like many people who have lost loved ones, found myself on auto pilot and just trying to get through those first few days after as the celebration of her life ceremony was planned and enacted, holding it together the best I could. I was an emotional wreck and would often slip off to the privacy of my room to just fall apart in private. Then I'd pull it back together and go out and continue on. The biggest problem I had during that time was trying to avoid hugs. Every time someone would hug me or I'd recognize that they were coming in for a hug I'd get emotional. It didn't matter how well I was holding together in those seconds before that hug, the hug itself would shatter me. Hug were my enemy... or were they?

Eventually, to my surprise, I found myself looking forward to those hugs. Yeah... me... enjoying hugs? Wow! I had begun to realize that when someone hugged me it was like a moment where their strength would support me so that it was ok to be weak... to cry... to, for that moment, fall apart. And when the hug ended so did the moment. The death of a loved one is a very hard thing to experience and I am so glad I had every one of those hugs. Who knew.

Yesterday I went to the funeral of my friend's husband. They had been together since they were teens and their marriage was that of two best friends. My heart broke for her and the pain of her loss. After the service I went over to her and gave her a big hug, one worthy of my big brother. I knew, when she didn't let go right away, when she lingered on for that little bit longer than a hug usually lasts, as I felt her body convulse with tears from her broken heart, that I was giving my good friend a real hug, a bit of my strength so that she could let go for that moment and grieve. And then I cried too.

No, this doesn't change how uncomfortable I am when someone I don't know, an acquaintence or an enemy, comes in for a hug. It does, however, let me know that there is a time where hugs are a good thing, even if it isn't family. Doesn't have to be death or tragedy. It just has to be real. The next time I see my friend I will hug her so that she knows I am here for her. Will I hug someone I don't know... yes, with the same discomfort as ever. I will continue to try to avoid those hugs. They are not real hugs at all. Real hugs convey a message of support and a convergence of strength.

So what's in a hug? Or should the question be, "What's in a real hug?" Your strength that you are giving to others if and when they are in need. A real hug comes with the person giving it and all that they have to willing offer you if you need it.

Have you hugged your friend today? :o)*

Do Unto Others... or Conviction is Good for the Soul

Convicted!!

The other day they had the honor roll ceremony at my children elementary school. Since this is my son, Luke's, first year with letter grades I wanted to be there for his first honor roll ceremony. It was really nice to watch and he was just so proud of himself. When they all gathered on stage at once Luke was in the back and stood on his tippy toes and lifted his certificate up above his head. Luke is usually one to just hide in the background. You know this brought tears to my eyes.

Afterward I went out to my car. We have purchased a little Nissan Versa for me to drive when the kids are not all with me. It is blue with black tinted windows. Looks to me more like something a young person would drive. But it is fuel efficient and therefore good for our family.

Once in my car I did all my checks and made sure I had my seat belt on. I put the car in drive, turned my head to check if it was clear and slowly started to move. As I was taught, as I started to move I did a double check. Sure enough there was a car there so I stepped on my break right away so I never entered the roadway. I looked at the lady in the car as she drove past me and the look she had on her face... well... let's just say that it elicited in me thoughts of such awful insults that I found myself getting angry feeling lower than the lowest. I even had a the childish notion of showing her "Tall man." Thankful I didn't as anytime I have ever succumbed to that urge I have always ended up feeling awful and ashamed of myself.

I pulled out and started to drive. I was so angry and upset by this woman. I justified to myself that I hadn't even left the parking spot. That I only rolled a very very short distance before the double check that had caught the first glimpse of her vehicle. I thought about the stupid blind spot in my car. And then... I thought about how she just gave that look because I had startled her with the thought that my car was going to pull out. That is when it dawned on me that I had cast that very same look at people for the very same reason.

Convicted is what I think they call it when you realize that you are guilty of something you are upset with someone else for doing. So I drove along thinking of how many times I had cast that look and I vowed that I would do my best never to do that again because I never wanted to make anyone feel the way that woman had made me feel... EVER!! And then comforted myself with the thought that this woman was giving that look to my black windows and not me as she couldn't see me.

Feeling a bit better, I drove home and picked up the package I had forgotten to take with me so that I could go to the post office. As I was driving out of our neighborhood a truck with a trailer full of lawn supplies started to pull out in front of me. He pulled half way out into the road. In an instant I remembered and instead of shooting him that awful look I smiled and waived at him so that he would know I understood we are all human.

I can only pray that I will be able to catch myself as well every time. I fear, due to the fear that this kind of thing brings up when you think someone is going to possibly cause you to get into an accident, that there may be times I don't catch myself quick enough. But I will be very grateful to God for every time I do.

I was raised that you treat people the way you want to be treated. Thought it was a biblical command for many years. The importance of this was not lost when I found out that it wasn't. It is a part of who I am. It is why I hold the door for people. It is why I keep my children quiet when we go out to eat. It is why I get out of the left lane of traffic when I am not passing. It is why I donate to every change jar I pass when I have change in my pockets... even if it is just pennies. It's why I smile at people and say "Hello." It's why I go in the entrance and go out the exit even if it is inconvenient. It's why I let the guy with five items go ahead of my full basket even when I am in a hurry. I could go on... but won't for the very same reason. :o)

So the next time someone innocently starts to pull out in front of you, or walks behind your car just as you think you are going to back up or pulls up and stops behind you as they want to wait for that parking space that is one or two spaces closer and didn't notice your backup lights or whatever the case may be... consider how you would want to be treated if you were in that position. The next time you want to send someone that look that reduces them to ash... remember how you would feel if the tables were turned. Be convicted!! :o)*

How high is your hoop?

HOW HIGH IS YOUR HOOP?


Today, as I was out and about and I drove by a house that had their freestanding basketball hoop out by the road. The family had lowered the hoop down for obviously smaller kids. I instantly thought of our same kind of hoop at home and how it stands at regulation height. I thought about how it used to be that none of our kids could shoot high enough to even hit the hoop and how now even some of the younger ones can hit that hoop. Our son, Luke, is our newest one in the "STAR*" game. He is 9yo and each day I watch him shoot from a little farther back and am so proud, as he is, of his accomplishment.

Then I thought about the unseen kids that use that hoop. Their parents have set their sights lower, not asking as much from their kids. Making it easier for them to succeed at a lower level. At first I thought about how it would build their confidence and how maybe we should have done that for ours. And then I thought about our children aiming higher. We expect more and don't want to give false highs but let them achieve that sense of confidence that only comes after perseverance and success that they know they have earned without any parent clapping in the background. The confidence that comes from within.

We want our kids to achieve to their greatest ability. If we make it easy for them then we rob them of the hard work that gives them the tools they need to succeed at other things. If we make it easy then they go out expecting others to do the same. And when they fall short, setting their sights lower to keep it easy, then what will they accomplish in the end? When they are placed against their peers who will fall short? The peer who has learned to aim high or the peer who never had to as it was always brought down to make it easier for them?

Yeah... and I got that all from a lowered hoop! You will see at the top of this post a picture of our basketball hoop that is not out in the street. As you can see... We set out sights high for ourselves, for our children, for our life. How high is your hoop? :o)*

(STAR is our version of HORSE with a positive twist. If you lose you are not a horse... you are a star.)

What a world we live in...

Sometimes you just need a good firm smack in the forehead!



I had to post about this. We are winding down summer vacation with school starting Monday. In preparation I decided to get rid of some of the stuff we have tossed in the garage. So I got onto the Citrus County Freecycle group and posted and offer for a stereo cabinet. We have a large screen TV and the table below it made the need for the cabinet obsolete.

Now I grew up with a blessing I never knew I had. I was born with common sense. Not that I don't make a major blunder once in a while... but I do have common sense. I never knew that everyone didn't until I went to nursing school and met people that could look at someone who was pale, in a cold sweat, with flushed cheeks and have them not know that something was wrong with the patient without taking their temperature, blood pressure and so on. It blew me away. Since then I have met many such people and not just in the medical field.

I just got home an hour ago and read a response, two weeks after the listing on Freecycle mind you, from someone who was interested in the stereo cabinet and had a few questions. This is the exact email minus identifying information:

"do you still have that stereo cabinet. id be very interested if it is still in good shape. does it play Cd's and have a working radio?"

Yeah... that is quoted exactly. I had lots of stuff go through my head on how to respond. You know this person left themselves open for a whole slew of responses. I didn't want to be mean but I did want to instill some thought into the sender. This was my response:

"No I don't have it... but I have to ask... Have you ever seen a stereo CABINET that can play Cd's or radio channels? If so please let me know because I want to see that cabinet."
Have a great day!!
Bobbie*"

Welcome to my world!! How's yours?

:o)*

Life's Busy Pleasures...

... have kept me from having the time to ponder even the most basic of things. The last few months my mind has been on control and trying to give it to God. I have always been a control nut. Not over others. I learned long ago that it wasn't a good idea to ever think you could control others and have you or them be happy. But I am very big on being in control of myself and what I can control that has to do with me and my family. But we were never meant to be in control and when we try to be in control it can lead to some really big stress and unhappiness that we'd never experience if we could just truly trust in God to take care of us.

I know that God controls my life. I know that God controls every aspect of my life from start to finish. Not control like someone taking you by the arm and dragging you to where you need to be. No... God likes to lead us... some times subtly and sometimes with a great big shove. But always where we need to be to stay on his path. And maybe it is just with people like me, who ask God to help keep me on his path that go through this and maybe it is everyone; like it or not.

A good example is when I was still in my mid 20's. My Brother, who now rests in the arms of Jesus, told me that I should go work for a company that was an hours drive up the road from us because he heard that they paid almost twice what minimum wage was for laborers. I, at that time, was trying to raise four children on my own. I heard what he had to say but all I could think of was the amount of money I would need to move up to a place I knew nothing about with my four children and hope I got a job that would pay the bills. There was just no way it would work with the kids. Alone... well I could sleep in my car. But with the children I could never put them through something crazy like that. So it would not be an option. Back then I knew God, but I didn't know him as I do now. So I blew off the suggestion, as tempting as it was, knowing it was not feasible for us.

It only took a year for God to remove everything from me, all obstacles he needed out of the way to get me up to the very place I needed to be to get a job at this exact company my Brother had suggested. I had sent my children out to live with their Dad while I got myself on my feet. I applied to the company my Brother had told me about and went in and did their testing. Then a few weeks later I got a letter in the mail saying they had been trying to reach me to offer me a job. And there I was. A laborer making good money compared to what I had made in the past. Even more than when I was a Deputy Sheriff. I know... sad isn't it?

But that wasn't the only reason God had pushed my life to where it was. It wasn't the only reason he had made my situation desperate enough for me to send my kids out to live with their Dad so they wouldn't suffer with me any longer. It wasn't the only reason he had brought me to that company to work. It would be there that I would meet the love of my life and best friend, my husband, John. A whole other story, and too too personal to be entertaining, so we will leave it at that. God had turned my life upside down. Taken everything I valued away. Had me in a total tail spin of unhappiness, lost without my children, feeling like a failure, moving up where I could get away from everyone. But he knew exactly what he was doing. Exactly how I would react. He knew his plan for me and that this was exactly where I needed to be.

He knew if I had gotten a loan to move up to this area on my own with my kids I would have never taken the time to apply at this company because the hiring process was too long and I would have needed a job and money ASAP. He knew that once I met my future husband that he wouldn't have given me the time of day if I would have had four children at home. He would have, by his own admission, been afraid to have even dated me with all that baggage right there. He would have been frightened away. And on top of that I could have never worked the hours I needed to that put me on the same work crew as my future husband. No night time sitters.

Now if someone had said to me, "Look, we are going to have you get a really great job and then snatch it away from you. Then we are going to make it hard for you to find another job to the point that your children begin suffering because of it. Then we are going to make you so distraught about it that you send them off to live with their Dad. Of course then you will move up to this place, get this job, meet the love of your life and bring them all back home to live happily ever after. Is that ok with you?" I would have been happy. I would have known the plan and why things were happening and that in the end we would all be better for it.

But that didn't happen. No one told me. And I ended up at a place in my life where I felt like it would be better to believe that there was no God than to believe that there was a God and he was just sitting back letting all this awful stuff happen to us. It was a very cold lonely period in my life. But thanks to God I got through it and came out on the other side exactly where God knew I would. Eventually God even let me know why things had to happen the way they did.

This all boils down to faith. If I would have had true faith in God I might have questioned why he felt the need to take me down such a dark and unhappy road, but I would have known in my heart that he was leading me to where I needed to be and for my best interest. And God leads us to where he knows we will have our happiness, and if we are very lucky, will be one of his instruments in other's happiness as well. But that kind of faith... it isn't for the faint of heart. It takes real strength to stand up when going through the fires waiting to get to where God is using those fires to take us. In my case, it was to my husband and the father of our 12 children. (Yeah... I laugh too when I think of how he said he would have been scared off by four. LOL)

Satan loves to use doubt and fear and guilt against us. He whispers in our ears as we go through adversity asking us where our God is now. Knowing having faith in something you cannot always see is not always easy. He reminds us of our every sin and giggles with glee as the guilt sets in and pushes us further away from God. He sets the thought, "Why would God do this to you? Why would he allow this to happen?" planting more doubt pushing us further from the truth and the light and the way.

When life is slamming us, dealing us bad cards, making us absolutely miserable... God is still there. He doesn't change. He doesn't give up. He remains. He knows us. And in that he knows how vulnerable we are to Satan's whisperings. Hold on tight to God when life gets rough. Hold on tight and rebuke Satan at every turn. When your mind feeds you thoughts that you know are not right, rebuke Satan. Hold strong to the word of God and to your faith. If you are standing at the bedside of your toddler son and he is slipping away ravaged by illness, as much as it will hurt to be without him, remind yourself of where he will be and that you will be together again. If you are sitting in your car outside the job you just lost hold on tight to the Lord and know that he is going to carry you through this. That no matter how bleak things may look, you are on your way to something better. It is hard to know or think that as you are going through it, but try your best. I know I do, every time. And most times I get hit by the ugliness of life it takes just a bit of time to catch my breath and remember who is in control of my life and that everything, no matter how bad, will be ok, because he is in control.

(Note: This post is a bit similar to an earlier post I made. The point being made is different, but some of the references are the same.)

And the Mad Woman Threw the Stick to Stop the Bus...

Fantasy of a Princess... To take your mind off the nightmare my children had.


I'm not even sure how to start this post. Naming it wasn't so hard. But where do I start that doesn't drag you through the blah blah blah of another day in the life type thing? Oh well...

My kids attend a public school. They ride the bus to and from school to include my youngest, Mathew, who is 3-years-old. Yesterday our regular bus driver took a sick day as he has been fighting a nasty cough for weeks now. When the bus came yesterday morning it was a lady bus driver substitute. She was actually two minutes early. When I approached I reminded her that as a sub she was expected to be late, not early. Big smile... good laugh between us and a compliment slipped in sideways. :o)

Yesterday was Wednesday. My son, Elijah, and my daughter, Julia, participate in the school's track program. To do this I have to go and pick them up at 4:30pm. So I am outside, yesterday, at 4pm waiting for the bus. It usually arrives no later than 4:08pm. I know there is a sub so when it is a bit later than that I don't freak out. Then suddenly I hear the bus. I can tell from the sound of it that it is traveling at a high rate of speed for our neighborhood. And ZOOM!!! it flies by the house. I am in the yard frantically waving the bus down. The driver is not the woman but some man who had subbed for us last year. He is starring straight ahead and the children inside look frantic and confused.

As always happens at these crazy moments in my life, I am on the cell phone talking to my sister. My cell phone which is now being burned up by calls from my neighbor which I was not answering. I finally have to interrupt my sister so I can get off the phone and call my neighbor. I am thinking she may know something about what is going on with the bus. So I call her and she asks if the bus dropped my kids off. "Nope!" We hang up. Ten minutes goes by and I decide to call the school to let them know I am going to be late picking my children up. I decided to ask for the school bus depot so I can call them. As I hang up I hear the bus again. It still sounds like it is racing down the road and I step out a little further in my yard hoping the guy will see me. I am frantically waiving my arms. He is staring straight ahead. Whoosh and he is gone again.

I call my neighbor. This time she confesses that she isn't even home. Her 11-year-old son is home to get his two younger siblings off the bus and no, it still hasn't stopped. Now I am pretty ticked. This guy is racing through our neighborhood at break neck speeds and, from what I can tell, isn't letting kids off the bus. I get off the phone.

I am standing in my yard next to the dead Mimosa tree. I am breaking small branches off it. I am kicking some of the bigger branches off. It's been dead that long. I decide to call the bus depot. A very nice lady answers and I tell her that I have five kids on the bus and two still at school needing picked up. I tell her the bus has flown by here twice. Suddenly I am hearing the bus again. I can tell, by the sound, that he is once again flying down the road. I say out loud into the phone, "I AM THROWING THIS STICK OUT IN THE STREET TO GET HIM TO STOP!"

I throw a large stick and run forward. He has seen it and is looking at me like he wants to kill me. I am glaring right back at him as I motion for him to stop while I yell, "STOP!!! STOP!!!" And continue yelling that until he actually really does stop the bus. He was going so fast that the bus ended up stopping just past the front of my house.

I ran around to the now open door of the bus. The bus driver is still looking at me like he wants to throttle me. He suddenly notices he has a group of kids by him and begins yelling at them asking, "Why are you up here? Go back and sit down!"

"Those are my children. This is where they live. This is where they get off the bus!" My voice is stern as I am upset that he is being so ugly. The kids start to get off the bus and I tell them to wait. That the bus driver must cross their names off the list before they can get off. This is normal procedure on our buses.

"You threw a stick at my bus," the bus driver snarled at me.

"I threw the stick at the edge of the road. I needed to get your attention as you have passed me out here three time. Well... actually two times and this was going to be the third except I got your attention."

"What are all you kids doing. GO SIT DOWN!!"

"These are my kids. Look. You see this? This is my son Luke. He is crying! My children are special needs. You have my son crying here," I said comforting my son. He responded rudely again, saying something about trying to figure out the route.

I am not writing everything that was said but he was definitely being a real jerk. But I have to admit I did have some satisfaction knowing that his boss was listening to him. Three different times during our conversation I spoke to this lady at the bus garage that was just quietly taking in all that was happening and being said and asked her, "Are you hearing this?" The third time I said that to her she asked me to put him on the phone.

"It's for you," I said holding the phone out toward him. He rolled his eyes and went back to what he was doing. "It's the bus depot... er... garage," I said shaking the phone at him so he would take it. I watched a quick "Oh Great," look flash across his face, but he quickly returned to a furrowed brow and took the phone. He was quiet. He said "Ok," then "All right," and then handed the phone back to me. He never said another word.

My kids exited the bus and headed over to the van which they saw wide open. I got on the bus and got little Mathew out of his safety harness and carried him off the bus. I didn't look back. Once in the van the kids told me how the driver was punching the ceiling of the bus and telling the children to be quiet so he could focus on what he was supposed to be doing. Of course the kids were all being noisy because they were all upset watching their bus stops go by. I also found out that Ajia was crying on the bus as well.

Can you imagine being in a bus that is supposed to drop you off at your destination and it just keeps flying by it. As an adult I find that very upsetting to think about. Someone else is in control and they don't know what they are doing. They are flying up and down the streets trying to make a go of it. They aren't calling in for help because they don't want to look bad. Their focus has gone quickly from I am here for you to I am here for me. I don't want to look bad. And when you try to communicate with the driver he just gets upset and yells that you need to be quiet so he can focus. Helpless is the word that comes to mind.

I guess that is a lot like our lives. Sometimes we find ourselves in places where we no longer feel in control. The bank has charged a maintenance fee that has thrown your account into the red and they are now bouncing your checks and throwing you further into debt with high bounce fees. You are working but your company is cutting back on hours when you are barely making ends meet. You are eating right, exercising and trying to keep yourself healthy only to find out that you have a terminal illness or disease. And the list could go on and on with things that we just don't feel we have control over. When that bus was blowing by our house I felt like I had no control. No way to save my children. To get them off that bus. It was very frustrating because I had two other children not on that bus that were stranded at school and needed me to be there to get them. I was helpless... until the I thought of that stick!

As always... God provides. If it hadn't been for that dead Mimosa in the yard and me standing there knocking the branches off it, I would have had nothing to have stopped that bus with. And I am not a stick thrower. I mean, when that came out of me, well... I am embarrassed when I look back on it. I make jokes when telling people the story saying I suddenly turned into neanderthal woman. "Me have stick. Me stop bus! Uugghh!" LOL I am not a stick thrower. I wonder what that woman on the phone thought when I suddenly burst out with "I am throwing this stick out in the street to get him to stop,"? LOL

Today when the bus came I told the driver he was never to take a day off again. We both laughed and then he started to explain why he had to have a day off. LOL Like I was serious. I asked him if he'd heard about the crazy lady that threw a stick at the bus to get it to stop. His eyes lit up as he said, "What?" I laughed and pointed at myself and then gave him the abridged version of what happened. I told him that I thought they should fire the guy. I was shocked by his reply. "They did fire him. I don't know why they ever brought him back." Crazy!!

My thoughts on it now? Thank you God for providing that branch that ended the craziness and stopped the bus! :o)*

If only you will ask, I will help you

Can I walk on water if I run fast enough?

The title of this post are words God put in my mind so many years ago as I came awake from a very bad dream to bring me back to him. In my younger years I suffered much. I was a walking example of Murphy's Law for many years of my young life. I remember one really bad day in particular that I had stopped by to see my Brother, Larry, on my way home from work. He knew what I had been going through and he made this comment to me, "Look at it this way. You are already at the bottom. So things can't get any worse."

I went home that day to find HRS (now called the department of children and families) on my doorstep. Now this was allowed by God and I now know this. How do I know... well check this out. That morning I had left for work before the kids got on the bus as was usual. The bus came to the front of the house a short time after I left each morning and the kids simply walked out the front door and onto the bus. So it was to be a typical day. We had a dog then named Buster and the kids let Buster out the back door each morning before getting on the bus. But this particular day they didn't. They left him in the house. We didn't leave Buster in the house during the day as he literally would pull the house apart. I mean laundry would get pulled out of the laundry closet, cushions would get pulled off the couch, the trash would get knocked over and garbage drug to his favorite resting spots around the house, and with no one to take him out he would leave little stinky and wet gifts every where. Also on this particular day the school some how missed that my son was in school and that afternoon sent a truant officer to my house. When no one answered the door the truant officer, believing my son was inside hiding from him and not answering, went to the condo offices and had the lady there let him in to our condo. Well... you know what they found. Not just my normal sink full of breakfast dishes... no... they found that and all of Buster's mess. Of course, thinking (and you know God has his hand in this because who would have a house that looked and smelled like that) that this was the way we lived, they called HRS. So when I got home there they on my door step.

I knew the worker pretty well from my days as a Deputy Sheriff and she was truly upset because I seemed to be taking it all so lightly, as if I didn't realize the seriousness of it. But I didn't. I didn't think anyone would think that anyone would live in a house like that. I thought she would know that what I was telling her about the kids leaving the dog inside was pretty evident. But she got upset and told me she could take my kids from me and take me to jail and I needed to take this seriously. Whoa!! I suddenly got this big knot in my throat realizing that she didn't see the truth of it and really believed that we could live this way. (I don't know how to this day) So I agreed to have someone come out to the house twice a week to see that it and the kids were all OK for a few months. Hey... no biggie, especially since this was the final straw with the dog.

By the time they left the kids began arriving home and I loaded them in the car with the dog and went and chewed my brother out for jinxing me!! Then I gave him the dog. Things continued to be bad in my life. One day a close friend suggested I send the kids out to live with their Dad for a year or two while I got on my feet. The same day that happened my kids were left in a classroom because Mom didn't have the money for their field trip so they stayed at the school and waived good-bye to their friends and greeted them back later when they returned. In the interim they colored and did busy work at a table in the library. It was the push that made me give serious thought to what had been suggested. I contacted the kids Dad and asked what he thought. He was fine with it but said I would have to sign over custody while they were there because he was going to be moving to Germany as was his military assignment. Instead of seeing that as a bad thing, I trusted him and thought what a neat experience it would be for the kids. After all my twins were born in Germany so it would give them the chance to learn more about the country they were born in. So off they went and no sooner had the ink been put to paper their Daddy informed them that I didn't love them and had dumped them in his lap because I didn't want them anymore. Remember the whole Murphy's Law thing. And it didn't stop there. But I will spare you as that isn't where this is supposed to be going. I could right a book on unhappy things. But I'd rather stick with the point of this post.

So needless to say, I was at an all time low in my life with my kids gone. I wouldn't say I was depressed but I was unhappy. I turned my back on God. I told anyone who asked that I'd rather believe that there was no God than believe there was a God that would let me go through all I had been through. I looked into other belief choices. Wicca, Earth worship and the like. I found that all they did was replace one God with another. The earth, the moon, directional God's, you name it. I had been disappointed by THE one and only God. Why on earth was I going to start believing that if I burned some incense or dropped some water or special oil in this direction or that or inscribed stones with symbols and wrote what I wanted or burned specific candles that it would ever make anything different. So I decided that I was just going to believe in me amd what did and didn't happen in my life was a direct result of what I did or didn't do. No outside forces. No God's or anything else. Just me. And that is just what I did.

It was about 3 or 4 years of this and I was doing OK. I didn't feel the deep happiness in my life that I wanted. After all I couldn't get my kids back due to the use of the stupid Soldiers and Sailors act that protected their Dad and left them in misery with people who continually worked against me. But I was busy. I was working. I had met what would be my future husband and eventually married him. And finally I managed to get my children back home. And then it happened...

I was dreaming. I was being chased by evil. I was in a place with lots of stairs and outside upper level walkways that led from building to building. I would run one way and there it would be. I would turn and run another. Every time I thought I had found the right path there was evil and I had to turn and run to find another. I finally ended up on a path that led to one of the buildings and I knew, as I looked at the big double doors, that it was locked up. I was out on the walkway. It was high up and there was no where to go and evil had blocked the path and was slowly closing in on me. Suddenly I heard what I knew was God's voice or what I guess my mind would imagine his voice to be and he said, "If only you will ask, I will help you." It was so strong and clear that I startled awake as I heard it. I knew it was God beyond a shadow of a doubt.

I spent the day thinking about it. Trying not to let it get clouded over like so many dreams will if you don't talk about them or write them down. I didn't want to tell any one as I knew it would sound like I was some religious nut rather than a baby that had just been awakened by her loving Father. I relate people who say they hear God actually physically speaking to them as nuts who go commit awful crimes, murders and so on saying God spoke to them and told them to do it. So telling anyone that I had physically heard God's voice was not an option. OK, so I admit it, I did finally confide in my husband who I knew loved me unconditionally... even if I was suddenly becoming some religious nut who claims to have heard God's voice. Of course I assured him that the voice was out of a dream so my mind had created it, but the message was from God and that I knew was true beyond a shadow of a doubt.

And it changed me. It opened the door back to God, whom I always knew was there but denied. And eventually God blessed me with the insight to see why he had allowed those awful things in my life and I knew that he had to do them just the way he had to lead me to where I was. And I was given an insight that no preacher yet has agreed with. God does not test us. He does not test us to find out what he already knows. He doesn't just say... "Hey. Let's test your faith so I can show you how faithless you are or how faithful you are." God is not that cruel. But God does allow thing to happen in our lives to lead us to where we need to be. To keep us on the path he has designed for us. The path that is his will for us and our lives. I will argue this to the day I die that God does not just randomly say "Hey! Let's kill off both your parents unexpectedly because I want to test you." That's garbage. He doesn't allow children to become ill so he can test your faith. He knows you are human and are going to hurt and sometimes find yourself in doubt. He knows exactly what it will do to you and where it will lead you and who it will affect and change and lead to where they need to be to be in line with God's will for their lives.

I actually started to write a book I was going to title "God, if this is a test, I fail!" All about the subject of God not testing us but leading us with the things he allows in our life. I mean... think about it... you walk in and get fired from your job, go home to find your wife has left you and your dog is dead. What would you rather it be... a test so God can see what he already knows or God leading you down his path that will eventually lead to the job you should have had that you would have never have taken the chance to even get because the wife you had really was not the partner you were meant to be with and had you under her thumb and the dog was going to suffer terribly and God took him home early to avoid that and to give you the freedom to move into that apartment that was close to the building that you ended up finding that job at because it was just around the corner? (I think that was the longest run on sentence I have ever written. LOL)

OK, off my soap box. The point of this was to talk about asking God for help. And how God brought me back to him by saying that to me in the midst of a very bad, but realistic, dream. I still try not to ask God for too much. I believe he is in control of every aspect of my life, so I still catch myself asking him for silly things like to please let the line at the post office be short so I can get in and out of there. Yet, I still add, "Only if it be your will." Because as much as I want to breeze in and out of there, if it isn't God's will... then he knows I will accept that long line or that lady with three packages who wants to know all about all the different shipping options for each one.

God is there for us. Listening and being an awesome God. He knows what we want and he gives us what he knows we need to lead us where we need to be to find the happiness that he wants us to have. And when we fight it we suffer the consequences. Like trying to make things happen in our time rather than trusting in God's timing. Boy has God taught me lesson after lesson about that... but that's a whole different post. God wants us to ask for his help. He wants to carry us through the rough times. He wants to soothe our hearts when they are breaking. He want to cool our brow when we are sick. He wants to wrap us in the warmth of his love and keep us happy and whole forever more. All we have to do is ask. :o)*

The Razor's Edge

LUKE: HIGH POTENTIAL WITH A HIGH PROBABILITY OF LAUGHTER


What is it with kids and razors? I think everyone I know has, at one time or another in their childhood, picked up a razor and cut themselves. Last night as I walked back and checked on all the kids before I went to bed I found my son, Elijah, asleep with bloody tissues all over his bed. He had used our tub for his bath and, as 9-year-old boys will sometimes do, got curious about Mommy's razor. He knows he is not supposed to touch it. He has been told it can cut him. He has even seen a cut on my leg and asked only to hear that I had cut myself with my razor while shaving. But last night he removed the safety cover, which isn't just a slide off cover, it's actually set up to where you have to press in on both ends for it to come off, something his little hands have grown big enough to do. And from there he cut his thumb. Not a bad cut. He shaved off a small layer of skin on the corner of his thumb, just enough to cause it to bleed. That combined with him being wet made way for lots of bloody tissue. As he slept I cleaned it up and bandaged it properly with a dab of triple antibiotic ointment to prevent it from getting infected.

As I went and laid down in my own bed I thought about him cutting himself and all the times I had warned him. We do a lot of talking about potential, probability and consequences here. Parents are always telling their kids things like, "Don't jump on the couch you could fall off and break your neck," "Don't climb up on that you could fall and get hurt," "Don't eat so much candy, you'll make yourself sick," "Don't play in the road, you'll get hit by a car." Then the kid will sneak behind your back and do these very things and when the warning doesn't happen they lose respect for what you are telling them. With my kids I tell them you are increasing the probability or the potential that you will get hurt. I explained to them that when I was little I was told not to climb the neighbor's tree as I could fall and get hurt or even die. When I snuck and climbed it and didn't get hurt I just knew my parents didn't know what they were talking about. About the fifth time I snuck up in that tree I reached up and grabbed a branch, as I always did in climbing, and went to pull myself up... but the branch was dying and broke off and down I went, landing flat on my back knocking the wind out of me. I laid there on the ground looking up, stunned fighting to breathe. I lifted my hand and looked at the branch that was still in it as my lungs finally allowed me to inflate them with air. There was a brief second during that time that I thought I was truly going to die. I didn't and nothing had gotten broken.

I told the kids that every time you jump on the couch you are not going to fall off... but eventually you will if you continue to do it. You are increasing the chances of it happening. The potential is there and the probability increases every time. And the worst thing about it is that you don't get a do over.

Julia has, twice now, over eaten to the point of leaving the table only to end up throwing up. It's been well over a year since she last did that.

Three of the youngest, Luke, Ajia and Samuel, still, from time to time, leave their cup on the edge of the table. Most nights it doesn't get spilled. At least 3 - 4 times each they have dumped it over. The consequence, because they know the potential and probability, is an early bedtime on top of having to clean it up themselves until Mommy is satisfied it is all cleaned up. They, too, have not done this in about 6 months.

Mathew fell off our bed once and never tried to get off by himself after that. It's a long way to the floor for a three-year-old.

I continue to leave my brief case leaned up against my desk where I have, twice now, whacked my toe into it leaving me in blinding pain. AND IT'S STILL THERE!!

So in our house the rule is you are not allowed to jump on the couch or from couch to couch, as our boys tend to want to do. If you do then you increase the chance of a couple of things. One, is that you will get caught and go to bed early. Two, is that you will finally hit that one time that you or someone else will get hurt because of it and you can't take it back.

This morning I reinforced with Elijah that he knew the potential was there for him to get hurt. He hoped the probability was not there and then found out that is was there and he got cut just like he had been warned. Now his finger is sore and it is going to sting when sweat gets into it tonight at his football practice. It may sting like that for the next few days. The consequences are his.

This got me thinking about God and us, as his children. God gave us the bible to guide us and warn us. He gave us the intelligence to see other dangers and warn each other. But how many times in our lives do we have all the information about the dangers of something and just ignore it and do it anyway. "Don't drink and drive." "Curve ahead 25mph." "Smoking is hazardous to your health." "No diving." "Speed limit 55." And those are just some of the "in your face" things. There are also the little things that we know we shouldn't do like overeat, use credit cards, gossip and so on.

Then I thought about when we are wounded and imagined God coming in while we were unaware and bandaging our wounds. Giving peace to our hearts. Lifting our spirits, our souls. Making it better so we could arise and move forward, hopefully aware, as I made sure my son was this morning, of where we went wrong so we can avoid doing it again. Recognizing the potential and probability and avoiding those things as to not suffer the consequences of that one time we can't take back.

Our Blessings and negative thinking

Our blessings are our children... My husband works at the local nuclear plant and they are in outage right now. This means that he is working 6 days a week, 12 hours a day. I know... can you imagine. But he is a good man and moves forward without complaint as he is providing for the blessings God has bestowed upon us. On the seventh day he rests and spends the day with his children and I. Usually, we go out to breakfast or lunch. Herein the motivation for todays post.

Taking our big group of children out to breakfast or lunch, especially on a Sunday, is a major endeavour. Not just getting them dressed or out and buckled into their seats in the van, but also into the restaurant. As their Mom I am watching over their every move and my mind remains silently critical. Jake's walking to loudly, clopping his feet as he goes. (Jake loves to be loud just like his Mom did when she was little. He is our grandson but is with us quite often on weekends by request) Ajia is fluttering along like a butterfly here and there getting in the waitresses way and in the way of customers departing. Sam and Luke are still trying to continue a light saber battle that they were playing in the van. Elijah is asking a little to loudly to please be able to sit by the baby, our youngest son, Mathew. Julia is tugging on Dad asking to sit next to him and I am warily watching Katie as she all most backs in to the people already seated at the table next to ours. I say nothing on any of this but only speak to remind them that they need to be respectful of the other people in the restaurant's desire to eat a quiet peaceful meal.

We have the meal down to a science so it is never a major thing to get dinner ordered. Sprite to drink for the kids and they circle what they want on the menu so the waitress can get their individual orders in the way she wants them. Oh if you have ever tried to just tell a waitress you want two kids pizza plates, two cheese burger plates, a grill cheese plate and three corn dog plates all with fries as the side... well... try it some time. It's like total mayhem for the waitress. Waitresses usually have a system, not only for them but for their servers, so they don't have to come out and ask "Who gets what?" So our system incorporates prevention of waitress meltdown. It works and we like it and you should see how happy the waitresses are.

Then the meal comes and my mind revs backs up into gear and thankfully my lips stay silent as I watch my children eat. Jake inhales and his meal is gone. Katie wears much of what she eats from cheek to cheek. Julia always drops at least one stain causing agent onto whatever part of her clothing is light colored. With Elijah, Luke and Sam it is how they eat. They, although taught at home at the dinner table how to eat, completely lose all sense of decorum. Food never meant to be picked up by their little hands dangle between their fingers dripping down on the table cloth and napkins as they pull it back to their mouth rather than come forward for it. Hamburgers are pulled apart and eaten one piece at a time. Fingers are dragged through their ketchup and licked. Their faces amazingly don't seem to catch any of this but from time to time their clothing does. Again, I have taught them better and don't recall seeing this at home. It's like when they are going out to eat they think it is time to regress and eat like I often see kids eating in the school cafeteria. But they are quiet and are not disturbing anyone... as far as they know.

But all this is leading to the ever constant phenomenon that occurs every time we go out to eat. People will just walk up to our table and tell us what well behaved kids we have. I initially felt stunned and stammered through thank yous as I tried to swim through all the things I'd witnessed and wondered about all they had missed. And when it continued to happen every single time we went out I felt myself wondering if I was missing something. Of course I took the opportunity to give the glory to God for blessing us with such wonderful children. But I remained dumbfounded.

Then one day my wonderful husband told me he had figured it out. I was eager to hear what he had to say as I was still lost. He told me that what happens is these people see our big family coming and being seated by them or they being seated by our big family. They instantly just know that they are going to have a miserable dining experience because of all those kids. By the time we are done, or they are, they feel compelled to come tell us what great kids we have because they didn't meet their expectations. LOL I do have to laugh because as soon as he said it, I knew it was true. That had to be it. I mean, sometimes two or more couples will come up to tell us how wonderful our children are. And it has gone from stunning me to being common place. And, as has become customary, I use the opportunity to bring God into the conversation every time.

Today, the couple seated next to us came and complimented us on how well behaved our children were. It was cute because the woman wanted to go on and on about where the children were from and telling us about her friend in New York whose daughter adopted a little girl from Russia and so on while her patient husband clearly was becoming more and more uncomfortable with the amount of time she was taking. Which reminded me of other awkward moments when we were in the midst of a meal and the person went on and on with us sitting there with forks full of food held in limbo before out lips, trying not to be rude to the wonderful people that wanted to compliment our family, yet knowing that bite was only growing colder by the moment. And you know if you put that bite in your mouth there will be a question or something that will require you to speak. Kind of like the phenomenon where you put a bite of food in your mouth and that is when the restaurant manager or waitress will come up and ask about your dining experience. All you can do is sit there and gesture to your rapidly moving jaw that is feverishly trying to grind down the food in your mouth to a swallowable size so you can respond without spitting food on him. Fortunately today we were just finishing up when the couple came up so no full forks or uncomfortable waits. We were able to enjoy the moment.

It is strange though. I think many things in life we instantly feel negative about without even giving it a chance. I was stopped once by an Deputy Sheriff and I was just so upset as when you have a big family there is no room for traffic tickets. They are definitely not in the budget. I sat there pondering what I was going to have to go without to pay for this ticket. Obviously I had been speeding as that is something I commonly catch myself doing and had successfully, I thought, been doing well with not doing. When the deputy got to my car I asked him why he had stopped me.

"Your tag is loose."

"Excuse me?"

"Your tag is loose. Looks like you have lost one of the screws." Now here was this guy doing me a favor so I didn't end up completely losing my tag and having to pay for a completely new one and I can tell you I didn't have a good Christian attitude about it. Not because of him, but because I instantly expected the worst. I was choking back the tears of relief as I thanked him and told him I would have my husband take care of it. Ok... so that was probably a once in a life time event but it was the perfect example of expecting the worst.

I see the school name pop up on my cell phone... "Someone is sick," is usually my first thought. The doctor's office... "We have missed an appointment we will have to pay for." Any of my older kids, "What's happened??" A number I don't recognize, "What bill did we forget?" How many times. So knowing this I tried once to vow I wasn't going to have negative thoughts every time the phone rang. Ha! It's a lot like I imagine being psychotic would be when you try to stop something so ingrained. The phone rings and there you are... "It's the school. Someone sick? No probably just want to check something with me. Julia wasn't feeling well this morning. When was the last parent teacher conference? Probably that time. I heard Sam coughing last night," and on and on. You'd be surprised how many thoughts can race through your mind while picking up and opening up your phone to answer it when you are fighting negative thoughts.

I am working on ways to stop my negative thinking, but I have a long ways to go. In the mean time I will keep thanking God for all the times I am wrong. Coming to him, just as the couples come to our table, to tell him how wonderful I think he is and how thankful I am for everything in my life. :o)*

The Beginning With Thoughts of the End...

God is a mystery. Duh!! I am constantly learning and experiencing this life God gave me. Trying on my own, without a church or church family to follow God, to bring him home and to surround my family with him. So God is always at the forefront of everything in my life. And I mean in crazy way as well as sane ones. I bust my toe into a chair leg. I look up, sometimes in blinding tears, and say "Ok God, why did you allow that one?" Yeah... like that. Like God suddenly took a 2 second break from my life and during that 2 seconds I whacked my toe into a chair leg. Silly... but I do believe that everything that does and doesn't happen to me is directly a part of God's divine plan and will in my life. And thus this crazy blog which will likely be of no interest to anyone but me. :o)

So let's start with today. I am riding down the road with two of my 12 kids in my car. (Yes, I am 12 times blessed). A car slowly crosses the center line and I instantly say, "Ok God, what's the deal?" As the car slowly finds it's way back into it's lane and my heart back into my chest I reflect on the fact that this is the third time this has happened to me in four days. Yes, Wednesday, with my husband in the car to witness it, Friday on the way to Wal-Mart to buy my son his soccer ball and shin guards and today, Saturday, on my way home from dropping my son and grandson off at their football game. (I usually stay but I have the flu and the coach has promised to watch after them until I return to pick them up. I made them swear they wouldn't make any wonderful plays in my absence and then that they wouldn't tell the coach I made them promise that. :o)

So the thought of three times in the past four days sent my visual mind right to the worst case scenario and there I was seeing myself killed. Great to have a visual mind... NOT!!! But this got me thinking about knowing things in advance. And how I would feel if God came to me the day before he was going to take me from this earth and let me know. And in my thinking I imagined him telling me what was going to happen and why. And this is what I imagined he might say:

"Tomorrow I am going to bring you home. You will be in your car driving with two of your youngest children. You will die instantly and the two little ones will have some minor injuries but will not die."

Now instantly tears fill my eyes. Yeah... I am a cry baby when I am sick with the flu and now, sitting there thinking of being taken away from my family... forget it. I did my best to choke them back as my thinking continued...

"Do not cry. You will be taken and they will all be sad for your loss but from this your husband will turn his life over to me. Your older children and your sisters will rally around your husband and help him as he adjusts and makes arrangements for help with the care of the kids. He will continue on in strong christian faith being the example you always knew he'd be to your children. He will remarry a good christian woman who will help him in his faith and be good to your children.

Because of this your son, Luke, who will struggle in his teen years due to his ADD, will turn his life to me and become one of my own, a preacher, bringing many of my children to me and much joy to his congregation with his sense of humor and loving heart.

Your other children will all come to me accepting me into their lives as you have already planted these seeds and the coming of your husband to this place will only make the conviction in their hearts stronger. They will all be successful. Elijah will make great discoveries in his endeavors, Samuel and Ajia both will become the doctors they say they want to become and will help many people. Katie will become the teacher's aid in school as is her dream and Julia will become a teacher at the very same school being there for Katie. They will all be there for Katie and she will be safe. Mathew will become a professor of language arts and Maggie will have the family she has always dreamed of.

Your daughter Kristy will turn away from her bad habits and meet the man that will be everything she has wanted in her life and more..."

Now by this time I am crying silently in the front praying the kids in the back don't ask me anything because at this point I couldn't answer without it being obvious that I was crying my eyes out. I am aware of this and I pull myself out of this thought process and back to where I am. (Sorry it didn't go further)

So... would knowing this before the accident that would take my life make it ok? Could the thought of dying ever be an ok one? Would knowing all the good that would come from ones own death make facing it any easier???

When I pray each night the final thing I say before I end my prayers is, "Above all I have asked, dear Lord, first and foremost I want your will to be done." In my head I know clearly that I have just said, "So even though I asked for this and that, you can forget it if it is not within your will." So why even ask for what I want? Because he asked me to tell him in the Bible so I do and then I tell him what he already knows which is that I only want these things if they be within his will for me because I know his will is perfect and I will be the happiest within it. :o)

So the answer is... No. It wouldn't making facing my own death easier, but his will for my life is what I want irregardless of the cost or the unpleasantness of it. I know whatever befalls me and my family had to go through God first as we are his and under his protection. If our house should suddenly come falling down upon us or if I should suddenly stub my toe into a chair... I know it first went through him and there is a reason for it. Be it something as silly as to make me move the chair to another location or to make me more attentive to the things around me or some other reason that I may never know or figure out. His will has been done no matter how trivial it may seem to a mere mortal mind like mine. :o)*