God is a mystery. Duh!! I am constantly learning and experiencing this life God gave me. Trying on my own, without a church or church family to follow God, to bring him home and to surround my family with him. So God is always at the forefront of everything in my life. And I mean in crazy way as well as sane ones. I bust my toe into a chair leg. I look up, sometimes in blinding tears, and say "Ok God, why did you allow that one?" Yeah... like that. Like God suddenly took a 2 second break from my life and during that 2 seconds I whacked my toe into a chair leg. Silly... but I do believe that everything that does and doesn't happen to me is directly a part of God's divine plan and will in my life. And thus this crazy blog which will likely be of no interest to anyone but me. :o)
So let's start with today. I am riding down the road with two of my 12 kids in my car. (Yes, I am 12 times blessed). A car slowly crosses the center line and I instantly say, "Ok God, what's the deal?" As the car slowly finds it's way back into it's lane and my heart back into my chest I reflect on the fact that this is the third time this has happened to me in four days. Yes, Wednesday, with my husband in the car to witness it, Friday on the way to Wal-Mart to buy my son his soccer ball and shin guards and today, Saturday, on my way home from dropping my son and grandson off at their football game. (I usually stay but I have the flu and the coach has promised to watch after them until I return to pick them up. I made them swear they wouldn't make any wonderful plays in my absence and then that they wouldn't tell the coach I made them promise that. :o)
So the thought of three times in the past four days sent my visual mind right to the worst case scenario and there I was seeing myself killed. Great to have a visual mind... NOT!!! But this got me thinking about knowing things in advance. And how I would feel if God came to me the day before he was going to take me from this earth and let me know. And in my thinking I imagined him telling me what was going to happen and why. And this is what I imagined he might say:
"Tomorrow I am going to bring you home. You will be in your car driving with two of your youngest children. You will die instantly and the two little ones will have some minor injuries but will not die."
Now instantly tears fill my eyes. Yeah... I am a cry baby when I am sick with the flu and now, sitting there thinking of being taken away from my family... forget it. I did my best to choke them back as my thinking continued...
"Do not cry. You will be taken and they will all be sad for your loss but from this your husband will turn his life over to me. Your older children and your sisters will rally around your husband and help him as he adjusts and makes arrangements for help with the care of the kids. He will continue on in strong christian faith being the example you always knew he'd be to your children. He will remarry a good christian woman who will help him in his faith and be good to your children.
Because of this your son, Luke, who will struggle in his teen years due to his ADD, will turn his life to me and become one of my own, a preacher, bringing many of my children to me and much joy to his congregation with his sense of humor and loving heart.
Your other children will all come to me accepting me into their lives as you have already planted these seeds and the coming of your husband to this place will only make the conviction in their hearts stronger. They will all be successful. Elijah will make great discoveries in his endeavors, Samuel and Ajia both will become the doctors they say they want to become and will help many people. Katie will become the teacher's aid in school as is her dream and Julia will become a teacher at the very same school being there for Katie. They will all be there for Katie and she will be safe. Mathew will become a professor of language arts and Maggie will have the family she has always dreamed of.
Your daughter Kristy will turn away from her bad habits and meet the man that will be everything she has wanted in her life and more..."
Now by this time I am crying silently in the front praying the kids in the back don't ask me anything because at this point I couldn't answer without it being obvious that I was crying my eyes out. I am aware of this and I pull myself out of this thought process and back to where I am. (Sorry it didn't go further)
So... would knowing this before the accident that would take my life make it ok? Could the thought of dying ever be an ok one? Would knowing all the good that would come from ones own death make facing it any easier???
When I pray each night the final thing I say before I end my prayers is, "Above all I have asked, dear Lord, first and foremost I want your will to be done." In my head I know clearly that I have just said, "So even though I asked for this and that, you can forget it if it is not within your will." So why even ask for what I want? Because he asked me to tell him in the Bible so I do and then I tell him what he already knows which is that I only want these things if they be within his will for me because I know his will is perfect and I will be the happiest within it. :o)
So the answer is... No. It wouldn't making facing my own death easier, but his will for my life is what I want irregardless of the cost or the unpleasantness of it. I know whatever befalls me and my family had to go through God first as we are his and under his protection. If our house should suddenly come falling down upon us or if I should suddenly stub my toe into a chair... I know it first went through him and there is a reason for it. Be it something as silly as to make me move the chair to another location or to make me more attentive to the things around me or some other reason that I may never know or figure out. His will has been done no matter how trivial it may seem to a mere mortal mind like mine. :o)*
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